Early Recovery Writings (2023–2025)

I reached down and picked myself up. Like pinching a lifeless blanket off the floor, lifting it to height, examining bits of calcified cotton, fragments of identities & memory tightly wound. - Oh, look, there's compassion and empathy... I can trace their roots. Thank you, Lisa - There's unconditional love... Thank you, Mom, Mama - Look here, my earliest connections to nature along Appalachia, and yet there, my earliest tears too... Thank you, Dad - Even these bits of my own doing, accomplishments, pride, triumphs, trials, behaviors unfathomable, shame, guilt, the whole Gestalt. - Everywhere, memories of love and loss... My Dear Deanna & Justin, Not a day goes by without a warm memory. My intentions were from a loving place. There was so much loving intention. My spirit wandered, though it was never a reflection of you. It is your light that guided me to Grace. Grace has reacquainted me with spirit. I see my love for you is still here, where could it go? I love you, Deanna. I love you, Justin.

Do I have the quietness sufficient to sit with all the suffering, all the joys, simultaneously? Though the suffering has taken me through depths of despair, where even love itself could hardly survive... As it turns out, the pure light of love survives in a quiet heart. Love and joy, suffering and despair, it's all mine, it's all theirs, it's all of ours, we are all of it. We are all one.

It is through Grace in which we are sheathed in battle. It is through Grace in which every breath of life is filled with joy, and as through Grace, is filled with suffering. It is through Grace in which we see a smile of unbearable compassion in our reflection. It is through Grace in which we roar with laughter, and as through Grace, we weep. It is through Grace in which we can bear the unbearable. It is through Grace in which we see our beloved through the disguises. It is through Grace in which we are love.

I'm reinventing myself... though not from scratch, but through the tapestry of my life's seasons. I am not starting over. I am not erasing the past. I am gathering the threads of every season... Springtime intentions, Summer passions, Autumn's wisdom, and Winter's hardships. Each thread, a story. Each knot, a lesson. Some threads frayed, others glimmer with light. I'm weaving them now, loosely so not to cover the old, to give it form, to let it breathe, to find its purpose. In my tapestry of awakening and becoming, there is no discard, only transformation. I am not who I thought I was, I am not who I think I am, I am still yet to be, I am but one witness to a divine manifestation, every warp and weft, a masterpiece.

I'm not busy with the doing, I'm not busy with the not doing, I'm following an inner call. It feels right. It simply feels right. It can't be heard, It can't be described, It can hardly be perceived. It's just beyond the veil. A call I sense feels right. That's it. It simply feels right. Tuning to the compass in my being. Listening for the whispers of the heart. Following a quiet inner guidance. What I feel just feels right Ahhh... Feels right. Yeah, That's it. It simply feels right.

I walk with Jesus, with Buddha, with Rūmī, with Dass, Seeking the sacred in each blade of grass. Through their lives, I’ve found my own, A yearning to awaken, to be fully known. A path once wandered through haze and blame, Now tread with purpose, though scarred by pain. A seeker, a builder, a soul reborn, Finding wisdom by night, and peace in morn. My words, a woven lattice of truth and flame, Each verse a beacon calling their name. Deanna, Justin, though time stretched apart, you will always dwell in the chambers of my heart.

In quiet reflection, I see who I am. Though not worldly nor trodden exotic lands, this body has traversed far and wide. Through burdens and blessings of the heart, I have ascended the highest peaks of love, and descended the deepest caverns of despair. In a quiet reflection, I bow in prayer, let love rise like the eastern morning sun, and into the setting glow of western forgiveness. In quiet reflection, my eye be open, the sun, the rain, and the clouds, have kept my soul fed, watered, and shaded… without discrimination. In a quiet reflection, I honor a blessing, with family and with friends, with food, with drink, and with shade, they are all nothing short of a miracle, and I know a divine presence is here through it all, and through it all to come, a quiet reflection needs no explanation on the road less traveled. we follow a map to the heart, on a journey with the beloved. In quiet reflection, let us honor the miracle of life, to those now here, to those now far, to those now challenged, to those now gone.

I feel the pull, the desire to be at one with it all. When I feel pain, I feel alive. It is the deep sadness of life’s predicaments that breathes compassion through my being. Here, I feel most alive, at peace, at home in the universe. It is in bearing a share of suffering that I find refuge, and even joy.

The difference between knowing beautiful, and experiencing beautiful, is the essence of beautiful. The difference between knowing love, and experiencing love, is the essence of love. The essence goes beyond all knowing... to the quality of all being.

A quote from the Tao suggests that being free from desire allows people to see more clearly and act more compassionately.